Well, after a little bump in the road (ahem, wanting to shut down the blog....), I’m back and blogging much to the chagrin of the ‘‘recalcados!’’ I’m here to stay! :)
Anyway, this week we went back to school after Spring Break, which was quite extended this year. At my school we usually get a a four-day weekend for Spring Break but this year I had a full school week off, plus two weekends, so I was away from school for a full nine days! I did absolutely nothing, I went home and stayed in my house the whole time except for leaving it a grand total of three times to go eat out a few times. I guess I had nothing better to do though, my friends from back home weren’t around and the weather was terrible (as usual.)
When I came back to school I was pleased by the arrival of another shit load of Ciência sem Fronteiras students. In total, there are now about 50 Brazilians attending my school. For a school with 60,000 students, 50 doesn’t seem like a lot. But for some reason wherever I go I ONLY SEE BRAZILIANS. My Brazil-dar is extremely fine tuned as of now and I can immediately tell who is Brazilian just by looking at them. It’s not how they look that lets me know they’re Brazilian either. I’m almost sure it has something to do with the Brazilian eyes. Not physically how the eye looks, but it’s the ‘‘olhar’’ that definitely is the marking component. I walked past a table of Brazilians at the dining hall who I hadn’t met previously (as they just arrived) but I knew they were Brazilian immediately, and they obviously picked up on something off of me considering they all stared me down until I reached my table, meu jeito brasileiro gave me away Hahahahaah :P. Does anyone know what I’m talking about?
I’ve only met a few out of the group, but so far this group seems a little more ‘‘chato’’ unfortunately. One of the new mineiros made a comment that really rubbed me the wrong way, but I’ll give him a second chance. Other than him, the rest seem very ‘‘timidos.’’ Like they’re afraid or something....maybe it’s the subzero temperatures freezing them alive/consuming all their energy? Who knows...
As for academics, it’s in shambles. I mean, totally horrible. I have no drive anymore. I don’t know whats up with me because I feel like I just don’t care about school anymore. Not an ounce. I tell myself I need to study, I force myself to do so, but the information never sticks. I’m having a hard time actually getting myself to class (is it the weather that makes me not want to go, as I normally have to walk miles a day in subzero temperatures? Or am I just lazy?), I’m not doing all of my work and I’m afraid that I’m gonna flunk some classes. The weird part is that I technically care about getting good grades, but my organizational skills (or lack there of) are preventing me from actually doing something about it. I’m already going to be graduating late, but now I’m just worried about actually getting to graduate at all.
I think it has to do with a few things outside of school. I know I’ve mentioned it before on here, but I have a very high pressure family. My father is a very successful businessman who built everything he has and has provided for me and my family from nothing. He grew up extremely poor (we are talking Brazilian styled extremely poor, not America poor), he has an abusive alcoholic father, a schizophrenic sister, a mother who never protected him from his father, and dealt with crime (including the murder of one brother and extremely close second call with another brother that almost died after having his skull cracked when having the shit beaten out of him in front of his house) and death his whole life. He’s the only member of his family that is still alive. So considering where he came from, it’s amazing where he is now.
But, because he came from such tough backgrounds, he had to have to a drive unlike anyone you’ve ever met in order to escape the situation alive, let alone doing extremely well for himself financially. I’m so proud of him, and honestly I don’t even really know how to put it all in perspective.
The dark side of the success story is that he thinks the impossible is possible. He has higher expectations than any of you could possibly understand. I have to be perfect at everything that I do. There is no room for any funny business. So, he expects that I graduate at the top of my class, he has expected me to work in a corporate setting since it was legal (I’ve worked in offices since I was 16 years old), I worked illegally before that under the table. Now due to the economy being still extremely shitty in the US, I’m having a really rough time finding an internship for this summer even though (not to brag) my resumé is better than most 40 year olds, and I have lots of office experience and experience with dealing with the public, as well as being totally bilingual and almost trilingual nowadays with my Spanish improving every day. I’ve been looking the whole school year (yep, since September!!) and no bites. No wonder unemployment is still so high for my age group.
You can imagine how this infuriates my dad. I don’t have normal conversations with him anymore. He can’t stop talking about how I need to find an internship, blah blah blah. He doesn’t even ask me how my life is anymore. I feel like I was put on earth to serve my fathers need of me being perfect for him.
In result, this discourages me greatly. I feel like my future is going to be dictated by my Dad and what he wants me to do. I still have not made many decisions in my life, the only one I made (and thank god I was allowed to make it, although it was in jeopardy for a while) was the study abroad in Brazil. It’s not like he paid for it though....I did.
So now I feel stuck. Im constantly worried about jobs, couple that with school and I think I burned myself out. Now I don’t really care about either and it’s just going to lead me down a path of failure. I don’t know how to get out of this apathetic state I’m in, because now everything is just so blue-tinted and bitter. I don’t like being this person. I want to change. I also want to quit school and build a fucking shack in a favela somewhere because at least nobody would expect that I create a billion dollar company by the time I’m 25.